Rooftop Memories
by CassidyTVNut
Summary: Harry looks back on the time he and Ellen spent talking on the roof after she's died.


Rooftop Memories

**Rooftop memories of you and me,**

**Us and what we used to be.**

**Up on this roof,**

**From others aloof,**

**We sit here and talk about everything and everyone,**

**A little routine we thought would never be undone.**

**But you're gone now, far away,**

**Gone up to heaven, though I begged you to stay,**

**My angel from above, go to where you belong,**

**But I'll never be at peace now that you're gone.**

The doorway to the rooftop of the hospital creaked open as I make my way through it. That door always was a pain to get open, it was so heavy that it took all of your strength to prise it open. Although, last time I was up here there were two of us, our strength combined made it so much simpler to get through.

I take baby steps at first once I'm through the door, one little step at a time, my breathing laboured and my heart pounding faster than it had ever done before. My eyes look to the sky, and I feel her presence all around me, as if she's watching me. Oh God, I can almost hear her laugh in the wind, and her face in the clouds, smiling at me.

I feel like I have to explain to her, where I've been, and why I haven't been up here for a while.

'I haven't been up here since we were last here together Ellen. I couldn't do it, it was like being up here would remind me that you were really gone, and we'd never share these moments up here ever again. You're really gone,' I say, as if coming to terms with it for the first time. 'Do you remember the first time we were up here?'

'_Ellen,' I said, with a matter of urgency in his voice. 'We really need to talk.'_

'_Harry, I really can't do this,' she replied, fiddling with her headscarf._

'_I'm not angry, I promise,' I told her, my voice hushing. 'I just want to talk to you where no one can eavesdrop.'_

_Giving it some thought, she said, 'Okay, the roof in 10 minutes?'_

'_I'll be there,' I replied._

_I opened the door to the rooftop with all the force I possessed, cursing at the heaviness of the damned thing._

_She wasn't far behind me, arriving a few minutes later, pushing against the door and eventually making it through._

'_That door's really heavy,' commented Ellen in an attempt to make small talk._

'_Yeah,' I replied, leaning against the edge and looking over, Ellen joining me. 'Why didn't you tell me Ellen?'_

'_I didn't want to worry you,' she admitted. 'And I knew that you'd blame yourself.'_

'_In a way, I do, but why did you feel like you couldn't tell me? After everything we were,' I pleaded._

'_You have no idea how much I wanted to tell you Harry,' she said quietly. 'Nina knew, but I wanted to tell you as well, more than anything. But I couldn't be selfish; I couldn't put my battle on your shoulders as well. I couldn't burden you. I care about you too much to let you watch me go through this.'_

'_Ellen,' I say softly, moving closer towards her and putting my hands on her shoulders, squeezing them reassuringly. 'You could never be a burden to me; I care about you too much to see you go through this on your own. Let me be there for you.'_

'At first I thought it was pride,' I say out loud. 'Why you never told me about the cancer. You'd lost your hair; I thought it was a clutch at vanity. I always loved your hair. I thought that maybe you didn't want me to see you that way, perhaps you wanted me to remember as you were rather than gaunt and losing your hair. But you were beautiful all of the time, even when the chemo had taken all of your resilience. You could never be anything but beautiful.'

I thought about the time we were up here on the roof when she was sure her ordeal was over and she'd beaten the cancer. Her optimism, her hope, her positivity, it made me love her even more.

'_How are you today?' I ask her._

'_Better,' she replies. 'I finally feel like I'm beating this, I feel alive Harry, more alive than I've ever been. I'm so sure I'm in remission Harry, so sure.'_

'_That's amazing,' I say, preoccupied with how happy she looks, how she's glowing with radiance and strength._

'_I just want to move on with my life and forget I ever went through this hell,' she said, looking out over the city scape. 'It's over, I have the rest of my life to live.'_

But it wasn't, I think, holding my head in my hands, trying to stop the tears from falling. It wasn't the end of her ordeal. It's ironic really. Ellen went through so much battling cancer only to lose her life in an accident with a motorbike. Life is cruel, but they do say only the good die young. And she was the best.

**I'll come up to this roof every once in a while,**

**To think about you and how you made me smile,**

**To dwell on the good and forget about the bad,**

**Because I know you wouldn't want me to be sad.**

**You've moved on, my perfect angel, to a better place,**

**Still in my mind, never to erase.**


End file.
